dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
did i just pee glitter
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
