So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
