the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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