she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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