peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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