I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
