what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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