Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
