your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
