I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
