I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
