We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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