Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize