I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
