So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
