Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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