I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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