Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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