i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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