you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
