I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
