so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I have tasted many bathrooms
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
