there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
