I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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