mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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