Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
