god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
