im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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