god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
