I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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