Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize