So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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