i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
