Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
