What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
