Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
