i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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