guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
