I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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