I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
