I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
