if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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