Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
