When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
