I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize