The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
