The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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