My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
