Can Purell be used as lube?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
