One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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