Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
