I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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