Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
