Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
