All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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