Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
