i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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