I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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