she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
