Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Randomize
