i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
