I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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